I do not remember the last time that I didn’t crave food. Hungry is not a mood or feeling anymore, hunger for me is an all time state. Do not get me wrong, I do get “full” as you all say, but 30 min later i’m thinking about food again.
Usually I control it, I tell myself that I am not hungry that I am just bored or thirsty. I drink water, go online but then the feeling comes again telling me that I should eat. I eat a snack, maybe if I eat a snack I will feel better. I eat a snack. Now I am back at thinking about food. I disguise myself as a normal human being, “oh she’s eating a string cheese… that is so normal that will calm her hunger until lunch”. Nope. I am still hungry.
When lunch time finally hits I am the happiest girl in the world, I get to eat without people thinking it’s weird. I can eat as much as I want without feeling judged. Thank the heavens for lunch. I control my hunger knowing that when I get home I get to eat more food. I count the hours until I am off of work. My life consists of counting down to when I get to eat.
Now for the binge. I don’t plan on it happening, one does not plan a binge, the binge takes over. I walk into the house after dodging all the fast food places around town and I go straight for the refrigerator. I try to store healthy foods, but even then I eat copious amounts of these “healthy foods” I never feel full. The only thing that makes me stop is realizing that I have consumed a day’s worth of food in 30 minutes.
Then comes the guilt. Why the heck did I eat all that food, I was not even hungry. I usually become upset and promise myself that it will not happen again. It may not happen the next day, or even a week from today, but it will eventually happen. It is something that I have no control over.
No one knows that I struggle with binge eating, it is something that I have kept from my family, my closest friends and even my boyfriend. I’m not proud of it, I am actually very disgusted at the fact that I have this terrible habit. There have been times where I leave my boyfriend’s house late at night and stop by a fast food place and order 2 burgers, or three tacos, or whatever the heck I feel like that night. I don’t even eat inside the house, I always eat in my car becasue I am ashamed. I am ashamed of being this person that binges.
I have told myself so many empty promises about me not doing it again. I am ready to fight back. I know it will not be easy, but maybe telling those closest to me might help in order for them to help me fight back.
For now adios, tomorrow will be another day.